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Friday, 28 February 2014 10:09 pm
seryn: flowers (Default)
[personal profile] seryn
Yeah. Things aren't going well.

Pretty much I'm completely conscious of the fact that I'm much better off without my dead husband. He was pulling me under while he was dying and self-oblivious to that fact. Right now *all* of my external problems are under control or resolved. No one has been adding things I cannot handle even if the day-to-day stuff is irritating.

I made progress on my day-to-day stuff by getting a boost from a friend and this allowed me to overcome the inertia that made it seem insoluble.

But where I am now is that *this is all there is*.

I'm looking around me and seeing the lives that people I know have made for themselves; I don't want what they have. The major things that make other people content would actually make me unhappy. Some of the people I know are physically suffering and more determined than I am.

So, there's nothing I want that I can see anyone else having (I would like if someone truly loved me and was emotionally healthy enough not to let me sabotage myself and ruin the relationship--- but I don't see that ANYWHERE. It sure as hell didn't exist in my marriage.) but what there is, is not enough. This is all there is and it's not enough.

From here all that can happen is that I will continue my pallid existence until I am old.

Date: 1 Mar 2014 09:08 pm (UTC)
thistleingrey: (Default)
From: [personal profile] thistleingrey
That is how life is for many people, I gather, except that most of them don't have the massive introspection that you've been undertaking.

I don't find that fact depressing, btw. It is what it is.

I think I'm able to continue on with my little determinednesses because I don't look for things to be happy or expect happiness to come to me--which means I'm pleasantly surprised when little things occur; for me that's enough of an occasional up. But I don't really know how I got that way, as it were, though I can see that my mother (who's had a much harder life than mine has been so far) has a similar outlook. I dunno.

Date: 1 Mar 2014 11:52 pm (UTC)
corrvin: black kitten on a stairstep, text "it's a step" (step)
From: [personal profile] corrvin
It's okay to be unhappy.

But also, grieving-- which is normal and natural, and what you have been doing-- takes time. You don't have that much time left over from grieving to find things that you like. So maybe later things might improve if you have a chance to find fulfilling things.

Date: 2 Mar 2014 07:26 am (UTC)
thistleingrey: (Default)
From: [personal profile] thistleingrey
Agreed. Also, I don't see anything currently (though admittedly what one sees here is limited by definition!) that suggests that there'd be "another 40 years" of how things are now.

Date: 3 Mar 2014 05:54 am (UTC)
thistleingrey: (Default)
From: [personal profile] thistleingrey
Makes sense for grieving, too, however. The problem with grief is that you can't know how things look otherwise till you're past midpoint, and you can't know where midpoint falls. From the outside, the half-life of this kind of thing rarely lasts for a long time (and it's not like it's a tidy inverse bell curve--that'd be too easy, no?). Even when it doesn't seem that the cloud pertains specifically to your dead spouse, it'll shade things for a little while. :/

Date: 3 Mar 2014 04:42 pm (UTC)
thistleingrey: (Default)
From: [personal profile] thistleingrey
Makes sense--seems hard to pinpoint where grief starts. And grieving for a version of yourself definitely makes sense to me, FWIW.

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