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Friday, 28 February 2014 10:09 pm
seryn: flowers (Default)
[personal profile] seryn
Yeah. Things aren't going well.

Pretty much I'm completely conscious of the fact that I'm much better off without my dead husband. He was pulling me under while he was dying and self-oblivious to that fact. Right now *all* of my external problems are under control or resolved. No one has been adding things I cannot handle even if the day-to-day stuff is irritating.

I made progress on my day-to-day stuff by getting a boost from a friend and this allowed me to overcome the inertia that made it seem insoluble.

But where I am now is that *this is all there is*.

I'm looking around me and seeing the lives that people I know have made for themselves; I don't want what they have. The major things that make other people content would actually make me unhappy. Some of the people I know are physically suffering and more determined than I am.

So, there's nothing I want that I can see anyone else having (I would like if someone truly loved me and was emotionally healthy enough not to let me sabotage myself and ruin the relationship--- but I don't see that ANYWHERE. It sure as hell didn't exist in my marriage.) but what there is, is not enough. This is all there is and it's not enough.

From here all that can happen is that I will continue my pallid existence until I am old.
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