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Friday, 18 April 2014 12:27 pm
seryn: flowers (Default)
[personal profile] seryn
It's hard to figure out what to share here. The faux-anonymity means that I'm less concerned about my lack of boundaries. I'd say that I share more on fb, but I don't. Those posts don't get posted, I cut/paste so I get to keep a copy of things I can't say.

Overall, though things are improving, I am getting worse. A lot of it has to do with the repeated two-steps-back kind of progress penalities. The latest setback was compounded by a really unprofessional therapist who then mocked me for it. He got fired, but there hasn't been any help in over a month. I've been interviewing new possibilities, but it's excruciatingly painful to tell these people all this stuff that hurts me and then be rejected or realize that I cannot cope with them.

I've been less Luke in the forests of Degobah lately. I don't go into things expecting to be hurt, which is enormous progress for me.

My parents called last Sunday but I wasn't home. Their message sounded rehearsed because the timing of how they both talked and the threads interwove, that isn't something people do without practice. It was completely wasted on me. What I heard was, "We know he died, now there's no one who can keep us from hurting you." The worst part is that's true whether they meant it or not. That phone call hurt me tremendously. I'd have done *anything* to make it never happen again. Normally I don't want to be the villain of my own story, so that was a big shock.

I saw Captain America 2. The people who write movies and TV really have a problem now that we've decided that no one named is allowed to die. The Winter Soldier is unredeemable. There's no possible way that level of damage can be repaired, there is no amount of re-routing and retraining that would make him anything other than a dangerous wreck of a man. It's like a non-working dog that has bitten 3 people; society says it has to be put down because it's dangerous and out of control. But I guess there wouldn't be a movie if Captain America looked at The Winter Soldier and shouted, "ZOMBIE!!!! KILL IT!!! KILL IT!!!!"

I've managed to lose 30 pounds this year.

Date: 18 Apr 2014 08:32 pm (UTC)
thistleingrey: (Default)
From: [personal profile] thistleingrey
Oh, gah, the answering machine message sounds terrible. Much sympathy for that and the difficulties of serial therapist audition (latter of which seems particularly terrible re: expectations, up down up down, even if one tries to be neutral).

Date: 19 Apr 2014 12:18 am (UTC)
thistleingrey: (Default)
From: [personal profile] thistleingrey
FWIW, it sounds like classic PTSD. (I get shortish bouts of immobility / odd visualization / blanking out (where I do things mechanically and apparently safely/accurately but without a clear recollection of having done them; not too bad, but the worst was taking books back to the library in the car...).) Also (if unhelpfully), it is totally understandable to have had that kind of reaction to a simple answering machine message; I too would've had an "Ack! They found me!" reaction, given the time elapsed and the context. Hard thing for a birthday. :(

I hope that things work out well with the new therapist.

Date: 22 Apr 2014 07:38 pm (UTC)
sciarra: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sciarra
I'm so sorry about the message. Hang in there.

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seryn: flowers (Default)
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