Saturday, 17 May 2014 05:58 pm
seryn: flowers (Default)
[personal profile] seryn
I have these overpowering urges to talk to people who aren't here anymore.

Several grief processing advice sources suggest that writing letters is useful. I have found that for the people who are still alive, whose addresses I still know, but to whom I am not speaking, writing letters is somewhat useful if they were addressed in the email. I do, usually, *not* send them.

Without the autofill from name match, it's stilted and impossible to write anything.

(you'd think given how much I can write here, that it wouldn't be so, but there's a limit as to what applied to a generic audience.)

Sometimes I will read something and want to tell my dead husband about it, because he was the only person who would know why I cared about that. Or the only person who would draw the same connections I did. Everyone who hated him at the end didn't understand why the loss hurt or why I stayed. I read a lot of Avengers fic and Captain America, as much as he doesn't want to be dead (when it's a story where he's healthy), misses having *anyone* in his life who makes *sense* and who *understands* him. There's the phrase, "The past is another country." In a really weird way, I feel like I emigrated, but not by choice---- it's weird because *NOTHING* was different. From one day to the next, everything I knew was turned inside out, but everyone acted like they couldn't tell. Worse, they told me that I shouldn't feel any different.

in the past couple months, I've somewhat started to accept that I'm likely going to live through this. I can't say I'm happy about it, but this is how things are.

I've met some new people and they're often possible to squeeze an email or two into, but the conversation dies rapidly. And that's with just shallow topics. (I often wonder if they'd talk better/more if I said something real, but that's a decision you can't come back from.)

But the person I miss most out of all of this is my therapist from last year. He left to take a job with a big hospital instead of being in private practice. I understood intellectually, it was better for him professionally and personally. But I was so hurt. I couldn't believe someone I'd considered interchangeable, (I didn't know any better.) who was utterly professional with me, could have been so pivotal to how my world worked. I didn't have anyone die in my life that I've even known the phone number of, but I've always believed that no one dies on purpose, so it's not fair to blame them for leaving you. But I have been left all too often. How do you deal with people you live with, who are closer than family (my family is not very familial), who deliberately choose to go away? That's what the end of high school was like. Obviously we weren't all going to the same directions, so we couldn't have stayed together and most of them I didn't want to keep, but I knew everyone scattered away from me because I didn't matter enough to them. I think it's probably irrational to say this, but I am *so* incredibly angry to have been left by my therapist. He did it on purpose. He knew it would hurt me and did it anyway. (And honestly, the people he suggested as new potential therapists were pretty awful. That was how I learned what I'd really lost.)

I stopped doing anything new once I realized that no one noticed or cared anymore.

Recently I have tried *anything* that might help. I've said a few times that I was religion shopping. It's very hard to have nothing to hold on to. I do actually find most of the religious grief handling to be vastly better than the secular ones. I just find all their beliefs to be hugely offensive. The less experience I have with a faith, the easier it is to try it out, so I've tested some weird ones. But the basic tenet seems to be constant. There are men and mothers. Anyone who isn't a man is a boy not yet grown. Anyone who isn't a mother is a girl not yet grown. So there's no place for me. I don't want to be a man in anything other than rights and responsibilities. I believe in equality. I don't think I should have to CHANGE MY ENTIRE BODY in order to be beloved by god. And if that's the truth, then your god sucks and I'm going to keep looking and I'll try to come back to rescue all the rest of your women once I've found refuge. Someone should have saved *me* though and guided me to a place where I am a valued person.


Date: 19 May 2014 10:20 am (UTC)
corrvin: A white-dressed figure talking to a red horned figure (desert)
From: [personal profile] corrvin
I've been thinking over the religion thing myself in some ways. I'll have to get back to you on it, though, after I ponder some more.


seryn: flowers (Default)

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