Black tie, white gloves. Lookin' sharp. Lookin' for....

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 05:27:05 GMT

We just watched the rerun of Castle where Castle and Beckett go to some fancy do. Castle sends her a dress with a note saying "Bippety Boppety Boo!" and she says, "... Cinderella." Then we see her in the dress. Just ghastly dress. I haven't seen anything so frightfully ugly since the one time I sat through a whole episode of Project Runway and watched my favorites get booted with prejudice and the things that were the most horrendous win, place, show.

To me a dress without sleeves cannot be formal. I understand that in 1960 strapless gowns were daring and a marvel of engineering. Now it's dead common. I consider the strapless dresses the "tube top" of formalwear.

Maybe it's because I'm not thin with toned musculature, but my appearance is not helped by my glowingly white pasty upper arms.

Prefer sleeves, sleeveless, or strapless for formal dresses?

Personally I'd like a bosom-accomodating well-tailored tuxedo with a brocaded waistcoat and shiny patent leather flats. But if I have to wear a dress, it's going to have wrist-length sleeves and a modest neckline like it's supposed to actually cover something. Most of the dresses I've seen on the TV look like they should get one of those 1980s bandeau bikinis and replicate it in some expensive material.

It doesn't make much sense to me, men seem to run hotter than women, but men are expected to wear multi-layered wool clothing while the women are expected to wear sheaths of the most minimalist fabric possible. But the climate control is usually set for the men's comfort. I really really really really do not understand it. Most of the men I know hate the tight fit of fancy dress pants and envy the tiny dresses for their lack of scrotal pinching.

I don't think I should get invited to a super formal event. I might buy myself a custom tuxedo. My SO can sew himself a skimpy little dress from pre-sequined fabric and I'll take him to one of those shoe stores that cater to transgender men for the ridiculous heels he likes to see me in. I'd have like 600 pockets for my wallet and keys and stuff and he'd be saying, "Honey, can you get me a drink, I don't have any pockets for money." I'd make sure his dress had one of those whorishly deep v-necks and the slit up the thigh where it's so tight an unshaven person would flash pubes.

I think I wouldn't mind fancy parties if I wasn't freezing to death while my date was wanting to stand next to the ice sculptures. If we swapped expected clothing, we'd both be happier. Plus, he honestly has a much better body for fancy women's clothes... no hips, no breasts, skinny waist, long legs with no flab. And men's suits come in 60" chest even in regular stores, so I can get a small or medium range thing and have it fitted.

comments

seryn

Black tie, white gloves. Lookin' sharp. Lookin' for....