seryn: flowers (Default)
Today I said I was sort of grateful for the do-over I feel like I got for my life.

Figuring out what I want to do and how to make that happen is still a huge burden that seems overwhelming.

But not wanting to punch people who tell me to keep a gratitude journal is a huge step forward.
seryn: flowers (Default)
There was a meme someone else did and it didn't interest me except the last question which asked something about funerary preferences.

I have non-binding instructions. After I discovered that my state requires a coffin for cremation and thus cardboard ones are sold for $100 or so, that was what I suggested. It turns out that one may write on the cardboard. I also suggested that a set of markers should be available for any last messages that should be burned into "the afterlife" with my corpse.

And, depending on the mortuary, there might be unpleasantly practical things written on the box of dead person... it really seems like the people who know me could do better than annotating the lack of jewelry or pacemaker. (I do wonder if a pacemaker means one cannot be cremated.)

I mean, I'd like a viking funeral with the burning ship and everyone watching, but that seems beyond reasonable expectations. :-)

(no subject)

Monday, 11 April 2016 07:52 pm
seryn: flowers (Default)
I had a brief period of actually being OK. That turned out to be a side effect of a medication that caused migraines. Side effects tend to get better as your body gets accustomed to the medication.... and that was what happened.

I've been struggling ever since.


Thursday, 28 January 2016 11:30 pm
seryn: tea (virgin tea)
Today when I got my hair cut, I looked at the floor afterward and all the hair was still dark but it wasn't anything approaching brown (which is my normal color). It's all that dark gray color, like if you had black fabric and left it in the sun for too long.

I've been dyeing the temples and streaking the leftover dye through the rest. But now it looks like that's a delusion I cannot allow myself. Dye or do not, there is no touch up in "just the gray spots".

I did an all-over brown tonight. I still get at least 4 uses out of a single-use dye box because I have such short hair. You can't mix in the containers they give you multiple times, but lids from a quart of yogurt work pretty good.

When I was a child I didn't understand why my mother dyed her hair. Admittedly if I were still married I might find it easier to let it go. But the thought of trying to date with gray hair really terrifies me. Okay so I admit that I'd rather meet attractive men who are my age, but most of them are divorced with children. It's a little shallow of me, but I'd kind of like to date someone 15 years younger. Not, you know, repeatedly. But the idea of being able to attract someone who is still pretty and hasn't given up entices. No idea how I could be so vain since I didn't care before.

There was something I saw where the guy's parents were thinking about divorcing because they thought there must be something better out there. The whole thing goes by and he doesn't know what to say because he is divorced and dating sucks. He finally tells his parents to get a divorce if they want to but to remember that now when they're dating they'll have to get naked with someone new. I'm pretty terrified of that myself actually.

I'm kind of hoping that I can be pretty enough and nice enough to be attractive while still being emotionally healthy. Keeping my fingers crossed that TV is wrong about what happens on first dates. All those women on TV who sleep with guys they've just met... their apartments are clean. My sheets have bleach spots on them from when I was bleaching my hair to dye it blue (the blue didn't stick to the sheets either.) My flannel sheets don't match since mix and match the fitted and regular and one of them almost dissolved from wear. My kitchen and bathroom are clean, but I'm sure not having a sleepover. Wonder what real people do when they decide they want to have an intimate relationship with someone they're dating? Because we know no one keeps their house in that kind of state all the time.

Next I'll have to vacuum in order to keep up my vanity.

(no subject)

Saturday, 12 December 2015 10:32 pm
seryn: water drop (crystal ball)
So, it's winter. That means the days are shorter and the nights last forever.

It's also holiday season and end-of-year. (Guaranteeing that you'll need someone who is on vacation for the whole month with no substitute.) "Holidays are family time." is what I hear everywhere. It makes me understand Scrooge and Grinch. After you've been told flat out that nothing good includes you, some curmudgeonliness makes sense. The reason all the Whos down in Whoville make all that noise Noise NoIsE NOISE is to taunt the Grinch with celebrations he's not invited to. They're not very nice neighbors.

I'm in one of those intermittent stable periods, so I'm stressed about taxes and health insurance but not actually sick. Well, theoretically. My psychological and psychiatric issues destroyed my physical health for a while.

Facebook people I know have been grief-stricken lately. I will reach through the "series of tubes" and punch the next person who tells me I don't understand how much it hurts to lose part of your family because their goldfish kicked off. It's not quite that bad, but close.

I'm reading the DM/HG Advent stories, but otherwise haven't been reading fic. AO3 has all these database features to warn people of triggering things but most authors don't bother. Some of them are even proud of it. Most of them are morons who can't figure out tagging either.

I need a new hobby, but have no ideas. Just that none of the old ones are fun. It's hard to read a book. I take breaks to finish 45 minutes of Netflix. I want to do something that might allow me to engage with others who enjoy my pastime. Or I want to do something valuable.

(no subject)

Saturday, 5 September 2015 09:26 pm
seryn: flowers (Default)
I've been listening to audio books, but I can't really comment on my preferences since I seem to sleep through them.

I've been reading book books but I'm getting them as e-books from the library and it feels like holiday shopping at the mall to get anything good.

There was a book that sounded vaguely interesting but it was touted as the Victorian version of Kevin Hearne's druid books. I read 5 of those and really only the first one was good. I detest victoriana. I can't quite figure out how those are related unless new_author lives near Kevin and caught him by the mailboxes or something.

Generally doing pretty decent. Hope you are the same.
seryn: swimming turtle with grass growing on shell (world on my shoulders)
I'm still here. I don't have nothing to say, but there's so much to say that this isn't going to work for me. I want to have people hear me, but I'm tired of listening to me, so I can't imagine anyone else would put up with it.

This place really needs a phone app.

I do like the mostly text concept and without gobs of pictures it loads really well. I want to have friends who have stuff to say not just random images they've linked. I have a pinterest account though, so I can't talk. I wasn't wrong about that, by the way. It's a bunch of pictures with no provenance, so it becomes, "These are things that exist, but you can't have them."

Though I apparently need to choose a new layout here because too many things are impossible to read due to custom formating.

Tonight I listened to several women admit that they are uninterested in the specific color things are. I'm actually the pickiest one.

I still hate that "Happy" song. I'm not sure why we favor one extreme pathology over another.

Why do I feel obligated to get the sedate blue thing instead of the purple version of things?
seryn: flowers (Default)
I got a RL pintrest account today. It turns out that is a portmanteau of Pin and Interest, and is not pronounced Pee-Interest. That does make it less icky.

People are coming to help with my apartment. It's time to admit that I can't live like this.

Those were kind of related because I'm supposed to set goals for what my life should be like and if all I have to do is browse and click things, I might be able to see a trend. So far, I tend to like things that are purple. Which is no surprise.

I do actually like the scary scary cross-pollination between fb and pintrest. It's very convenient. But is a reminder that EVERYONE can see what I like and that this will counted when I apply for jobs or encounter any new people who are social media savvy. Pintrest doesn't bother me because it's the liking of other people's stuff, it doesn't say that I'm going to *get* any of it. It doesn't even say that I *want* any of it. I like purple furniture pictures. I'm really not going to buy a Versace lounge thing.

A lot of what I would buy for this apartment is taking into account the building's water problems. A lot of what I will actually get is going to be about what's cheap because I'm unemployed and it's going to get destroyed anyway.

I have decided something that is my primary parameter in people to keep in my life. No matter what I decide, I want to be loved just the same. That means people who don't love me (work or professional) that's fine if it's stable. Friends can't decide I'm someone they want to be close to based on some choice I made... they can grow closer or further, but not based on a single point choice. That needs to be a trend. I can't deal with living my life to make other people like me more. It's really bad for me, it's hard to determine, and it's the kind of thing that makes the other person into a monster if it works.

It turns out that there are people who dislike me admitting that I can't deal with my life as it is and that I need help. There seem to be a lot of women who think needing cleaning help is a problem. There seem to be a lot of people who think needing therapy is a problem. Most of the perspective seems to be that if you're a "real person" then you suck it up and cope because only rich people can get help. But it's not true. It wasn't hard to find people to help when I was young, you could ask work colleagues to help you move if you bought pizza and returned the favor. I've seen social-cause social groups like that now too. What it turns out is that if you're poor (like just post-student poor) you have friends in the same boat and can help each other. If you're wealthy you can hire professionals for help. It's only the people in the middle who aren't *allowed* to need help. So the people who dislike me for not being able to pull things together by myself... who resent my choices... I don't want them in my life.

I mostly feel overwhelmed. I'm not really good at making decisions I can't take back when I don't know how well I'll like the results.


Wednesday, 28 January 2015 01:27 pm
seryn: different stars with a talk balloon saying "hi" (hi)
Why does Spiderman always seem like a whinging whiner of the first order?

I get that he's poor, he was a freelance photographer before there were internet coffee shops where the unemployedfreelancers could be together during the day and pretend they had jobs in company. (Peter Parker hasn't gotten a real job since 1975 in my experience.)

I get that he feels responsible for getting his Uncle Ben killed... but he wasn't the one who did that and someone should have gotten him therapy until he understood that the killer killed and the killer alone is responsible. That Peter cannot know the future outcome and yes, the world would be a better place if we all did more than our part, but he's not responsible for what happened. It's not like there's this social contract where since we've invested 87 billion dollars on his superhero power development and 12 years of training and we can expect him to save us. We're all grown ups too and one of us could have tripped the killer.

On the other hand, it allows nerds and geeks who are otherwise disenfranchised to be secretly totally important. The world cannot get along without Peter Parker being Spiderman. It's worth it to lie to his frail Aunt May, his only remaining family. It's worth it to make his leagues-out-of-his-league girlfriend Mary Jane (and how the fuck did they get away with that? there's a reason she's mostly called MJ since the 90s.) believe he's cheating and irresponsible and unreliable. It's worth it to be a failure at having an adult life--- doing schoolwork, being a researcher, having a part-time job, trying to get to the point where being a man is something he does all the time rather than accidentally.

Compare this with the typical introvert who doesn't have a lot of friends, who actually flakes on their minimal friends a lot because they're all introverts too and no one minds bailing at the last minute when they'd rather stay home anyway, they don't really have a lot of access to the desired sexual objects and they tend to mistreat them out of cluelessness, and they generally suck at being grown ups with responsibilities.

Now just imagine if the reason for that wasn't that you're a loser without social skills or empathy or the willingness to put forth any effort.... if the reason was that you were actually amazing on the inside.

Spiderman is a geek's social pornography.

Which is why it makes no sense that he's still whining about it 40 years later.

Also... Stan Lee is kind of an abusive parent to his heroes.
seryn: flowers (Default)
There is one of those memes going around where you rank all the things that are on the list when you get it, strike one, and add three. Which, if it went on for very long would make for a really long list.

I'm not participating because, even though I feel VASTLY better this year... enough to realize that actually other people have woe and I haven't gotten a complete monopoly.... so far none of my doctors have found a medication that makes anything more than vaguely tolerable or something that needs doing.

Apparently that's what they call "depression". I disagree. I think I'm so incredibly used to not being allowed to like things (abusive relationships tend to screw that up) that I don't want to waste my attention on something unworthy. I can tell if I dislike something.

The zen koan, "There is nothing I dislike." ---- yeah, still makes me want to punch everyone who is even in the room when someone rattles that off like some sort of panacea. I'm PROUD of being able to dislike things. Without that, I probably wouldn't care at all.

So let me give a few things about today that I had an opinion about.
1. scrambled egg on arugula for dinner. that's just fabulous. dead simple. it is essential that the egg be cooked in butter.
2. apparently I didn't ruin a friendship on Friday despite being quite upset.
3. someone told me about walnut yeast bread.
4. I do love walnuts.
5. I'm going to lunch tomorrow with a friend.
6. I can't sleep.
7. Audio books can be downloaded to my phone from the public library... free..... this is awesome. but it would be better if they could be convinced to get all four books in any one Tamora Pierce series instead of a random position book in every series.

e voting

Monday, 26 January 2015 03:44 pm
seryn: my own favorite hat (hat)
Someone asked about e-voting. I went off on this tangent which I'm sharing here since the person said they're too busy to reply to comments, so I might as well try to garner my own instead of wasting this there:

I'd like to see governmental voting done electronically with the tallies for every single vote put up on some government website every day, which news sources would be encouraged to mirror as content. Not the droning video feeds of C-SPAN. And the expanded view of each vote would show who had introduced it, who had added shit to it to weigh it down, and who could not stay on topic to save their own asses... those people would get demerits and be booted out of Congress automatically. Then a random citizen would be chosen to replace them and get the best most excellent health care for life. We could even set up a system where the truly unqualified people would muddy up a standing non-voting bill, get their demerits and allow someone else to be sworn in.

For the in-person e-votes, I'm not sure how to deal with the guy who stands up and shouts that his vote was mis-counted though. Or how to deal with the neighbor's elbow jostling or pressing your neighbor's button when they're late. Seems like we could make vote fraud a felony (oh right, it already is) and make it illegal to be a member of Congress if you're a felon. (Can you believe it's not? Seriously. New Jersey even re-elected someone who was indicted on a buttload of felony charges... he didn't even have the honor to not run. Now The Daily Show says that New Jersey is poised to special-elect that guy who caused nation-wide race riots. Seems like since the states all have the power to choose how vacancies are filled that the people of New Jersey should demand that there be a lottery of all citizens instead of that asshole getting to make laws.)

I was watching Poirot yesterday and Poirot informs them that there is prosecution for perjury. We don't do that here. I was a juror on a trial and it was blindingly obvious that people were lying (their lies conflicted with each other, not just with the other side) and afterward when we were allowed to ask questions of the prosecutor, I asked if we could be notified when the perjury trials would be scheduled. The prosecutor said, "We don't go after perjury cases like that." Which, to me, explained the inherent problems in our justice system. There's no penalty for lying, there's only punishment that doesn't fit the crimes available (if you're even moderately wealthy, the fines are not onerous; but a single day in jail or even a felony indictment (not even conviction, just being put on trial) can keep you from being employed forever. And the biggest crimes get "life" in prison which hurts us far more than them. Then the people get out and are angry at being "abused" by the system.) And there's no real incentive to do the right thing when everyone else is cheating.

So I imagine that Senators here would be constantly screaming that their e-votes (even if we required them to be in-chamber and not remote) were miscounted just to cast doubts on their political stances to the public, but internally there would be this sniggering about deluding the stupid public.

fanfic authors

Friday, 23 January 2015 09:50 pm
seryn: fountain pen nib (screed pen)
Dear Fanfic Authors:

If you are posting on AO3:
1. Please do not put the entire story into the tags. (100+ tags per story is ludicrous.)
2. Please do not mark your story as "gen" if it has gender-bending characters. That's not what that means.
3. If your story is 96% Steve/Tony with a brief reference to Tony and Pepper from the movies, your story is still M/M, please use the appropriate category.

Also, characterization. Editing. Having an idea for a story, not just some thin wrapper for erotica. Also, just so you know, even if you write Captain America as a hand-wringing girly man who doesn't know if Iron Man really likes him... then it magically works out and they fuck? THEY WILL NOT WANT YOU TO JOIN THEM.

In the 1970s I started hearing people talking about girl-girl pornography and how sexy it was. Skeevy men (usually fathers with children because those were the only adult males I encountered when I was a child) would be overheard saying, "They're just waiting for a man!"

When middle-aged women write about two men having sex together, it sounds just like that to me. I wonder what it would be like to read M/M erotica written by men. They don't even have to be gay men. Just someone who has an idea what it's like to have a penis. Most of these stories are terrible. Some are just logistically impossible---- if there are 5 hands in your scene, you'd better have told me who else is there. Some seem biologically impossible. But no one writing this stuff seems to have any idea what it feels like to be a man. So they write women with magical men's bodies where the asshole works just like a vagina.

Pretty much I'd like to never read that ever. So use the tags and stop leaving your shit all over the other categories.


Saturday, 17 May 2014 05:58 pm
seryn: flowers (Default)
I have these overpowering urges to talk to people who aren't here anymore.

Several grief processing advice sources suggest that writing letters is useful. I have found that for the people who are still alive, whose addresses I still know, but to whom I am not speaking, writing letters is somewhat useful if they were addressed in the email. I do, usually, *not* send them.

Without the autofill from name match, it's stilted and impossible to write anything.

(you'd think given how much I can write here, that it wouldn't be so, but there's a limit as to what applied to a generic audience.)
Read more... )

(no subject)

Friday, 18 April 2014 12:27 pm
seryn: flowers (Default)
It's hard to figure out what to share here. The faux-anonymity means that I'm less concerned about my lack of boundaries. I'd say that I share more on fb, but I don't. Those posts don't get posted, I cut/paste so I get to keep a copy of things I can't say.

Overall, though things are improving, I am getting worse. A lot of it has to do with the repeated two-steps-back kind of progress penalities. The latest setback was compounded by a really unprofessional therapist who then mocked me for it. He got fired, but there hasn't been any help in over a month. I've been interviewing new possibilities, but it's excruciatingly painful to tell these people all this stuff that hurts me and then be rejected or realize that I cannot cope with them.

I've been less Luke in the forests of Degobah lately. I don't go into things expecting to be hurt, which is enormous progress for me.

My parents called last Sunday but I wasn't home. Their message sounded rehearsed because the timing of how they both talked and the threads interwove, that isn't something people do without practice. It was completely wasted on me. What I heard was, "We know he died, now there's no one who can keep us from hurting you." The worst part is that's true whether they meant it or not. That phone call hurt me tremendously. I'd have done *anything* to make it never happen again. Normally I don't want to be the villain of my own story, so that was a big shock.

I saw Captain America 2. The people who write movies and TV really have a problem now that we've decided that no one named is allowed to die. The Winter Soldier is unredeemable. There's no possible way that level of damage can be repaired, there is no amount of re-routing and retraining that would make him anything other than a dangerous wreck of a man. It's like a non-working dog that has bitten 3 people; society says it has to be put down because it's dangerous and out of control. But I guess there wouldn't be a movie if Captain America looked at The Winter Soldier and shouted, "ZOMBIE!!!! KILL IT!!! KILL IT!!!!"

I've managed to lose 30 pounds this year.


Tuesday, 25 March 2014 07:38 am
seryn: frozen water drop (ice drop)
One of my current favorite books, Stray, by Andrea Host, (this one: ) uses the same term, "anchor" that I've seen in Teen Wolf.

[Quick aside: I love Stray because the heroine gets put in this incredibly untenable situation and *keeps going*. The whole thing is told from her perspective in diary form (which is usually rather irritating, but this is a lot more narrative than my diary-type entries) and even in this private forum, Cass is resilient and strong and stoic. Like, she talks about how the fire it took her days to figure out how to start went out because the bowl part of her bowl of water deconstructed itself--- with, "had an epic tanty and stormed off". Which, as the worst reaction, really, isn't bad for being trapped alone on an alien planet fresh out of high school.]

There was a common quoted bit in the sequel, saying that an anchor doesn't work when it's pulling away from you. (Kindles have this "show common highlighted bits" thing... I hate it and turned mine off really soon after seeing this.)

It's always bothered me. Because, actually, that's kind of how anchors work in real life. As a metaphor, no, but when you think about a ship with a dropped anchor, that's what's really going on, the anchor causes increased resistance and effectively pulls in the opposing direction from the ship's.

We don't talk about "anchoring things to the ground" much. When I think of that as a concept, I'm thinking tent stakes (which are actually optional on a lot of modern tents as long as you put stuff inside and don't wander off) or the concrete footings for construction. And really, calling those things "anchors" is poor word choice.

When Teen Wolf talks about anchors, they're aware that these are kids still in high school, so it's not the permanent construction type.

Weirdly though, Stray and Teen Wolf both talk about anchors the same way. They're the people in our lives who hold us together when times are hard, they provide comfort and support in a deeper way than friends do. They're the people who make the struggles of life worth enduring. They're the ones we want to be better people for when we don't otherwise care. So Scott, the main character on Teen Wolf, has to learn to control his newly acquired werewolf nature and uses his girlfriend to focus. She grounds him. And he loves her enough to overcome the killer instinct. Cass has, at the point of the anchor comment, nearly died at least a dozen times and just seen someone die. She says that she wishes her friends could be what she needs but she knows it's Ruuel.

I'm not complaining about the concept. I just think "anchor" is a shitty word to have chosen. It's a lot like the "out of spoons" thing, which is an enormously useful concept to have explained, but the spoons themselves limit the approachability of the idea because they're unintentionally representational. It looks like someone with chronic illness measures their life in teaspoons, like their life is *smaller* than someone else's which is unfair and untrue for many many people. If there were poker chips and the original explanation had said, "spend a token" instead of a spoon, I'd have a lot lot lot fewer issues. Anchors just don't work the way the metaphorical use implies. Anchors hold us back from going where we were going. They're the parents enforcing nap time when our friends are ready to play. They're the "we can't go on in the dark because the dark is too scary to navigate, we have to find a way to hold still." But the metaphorical usage is more like the safety harness at an indoor rock climbing wall. We soar to new heights and make greater achievements if we're not going at it alone. If there's someone who cares, we've got stability to leap from.

I modeled a lot of my deliberate behavior after Cass's in the wake of my husband's illness and death. (There was a LOT of un-deliberate behavior though.) But what struck me most this time is how foundational the love of her family was to her. It's really amazing how truly damaged I was by not being loved as a child and how much that affected my ability to feel secure in what otherwise seemed like a stable relationship. I wonder, if, truly, my insecurity exacerbated the problems my husband had. Obviously there were better ways to handle it than what ended up happening, but my trust in his love was very fragile and easily broken. I know he was deeply hurt by this. But I still don't really believe in love.

The relationship between Cass and Ruuel takes a long time to form. But there is absolutely no doubt they have serious feelings, although it feels fairly groundlessly so. Scott and his girlfriend Allison have visibly intense feelings and we're shown enough to know that it's not just lust on Scott's part. I think I believe in serious feelings and intense emotions and the kinds of things that draw people together, and I'd be willing to use the word "love" as a shorthand for that. Overall though, love doesn't seem to mean that to other people, it's like "love" is a shorthand for love which is a shorthand for feelings which is a shorthand for the kind of intense emotion that binds disparate people together... and there's just too much meaning lost by the time people use that word.

That might be the rational behind using "anchor" but that just doesn't work for me.
seryn: fountain pen nib (screed pen)
I have a new peeve about AO3. Authors who do not correctly categorize their fic (m/m, f/m, f/f) who then announce at the top of the story that it is slash and if we don't like [it] we shouldn't read [it]. The entire point of the categories, the archive warnings, the naming conventions for pairings, official tags... is so I can sift through the 33000 Teen Wolf stories and come up with the things I do like and do want to read without seeing yet another nearly-pedophilic rape fic accidentally.

Additionally, the Teen Wolf fanbase are obsessed with a pairing that I really don't understand the attraction of. It's like they've never seen the show. There are at most 15% non-slash (including genfic) stories in the TW fandom on AO3. For a show that's got a single token gay character and actually canonically heterosexual characters, I'm kind of astounded.

But the choice of pairing gets me. We have the scruffy, unemployed, homeless, unwashed, fuck-up of an Alpha werewolf in Derek Hale who is at least early 20s; and the researching, smart, highschool-age sidekick who can actually get shit done who is fairly normal despite his life's tragedy and who canonically is crushing on Lydia because of her massive intelligence. Exactly *what* happened there? There is absolutely zero reason for that to happen.

It wouldn't surprise me at all for Scott's mom to have a bad relationship with Derek... And it wouldn't completely surprise me if Derek was not so picky in his gender preferences.

It's bizarre that the first fandom I've found with intelligent female characters is completely overrun by an m/m pairing that's non-consenting, unrealistic, and AU.


oddly this reminds me of the show Eureka where the Sheriff's bio made him merely 16 years older than his daughter.

Writers can really suck at details.
seryn: flowers (Default)
This is so stupid. It's 3:30 in the morning. I can't sleep. I've got sleeping pills, but it's too late to take one now. (They take 2 hours or so to kick in, then last 7-9 hours during which I cannot wake up. The warnings should include one about not drinking a full glass of water.)

I've got stuff I should be doing, but I've been reading fic and watching Dirk Gently (it showed up on Amazon Prime, I'd not known it existed.) So it's not that I've upset myself.

I went outside today and walked a decent amount.

There's even been a sort of rebound from the nadir, as long as I don't look at a list of insurmountable chores, I don't even feel that overwhelmed. (Really I try not to think about what needs doing and just do a tiny piece of it at a time.) It still all seems utterly pointless, but as long as everything seems pointless, I might as well do the stuff that shows. Which, wow, I'm not sure motivation gets any lower than that without being negative.

I feel tired. My eyes are dry and creaky, but I can't stop my mind's pacing.

She should have died hereafter;
There would have been a time for such a word.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing. — Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 5, lines 17-28)
seryn: flowers (Default)
Okay, having watched all the available Teen Wolf episodes, I started to look for fanfic.

it's totally underwhelming.

I looked on AO3 and seriously 90% of it is slash and most has Derek/Stiles. WTF?
1) There are actually decent female characters on the show.
2) Stiles is canonically attracted to Lydia because she's super smart... so why would he be interested in a grubby homeless man who continually does no research or thinking?
3) Statutory rape anyone? Oh yeah, that's exactly the dominant pairing we want for our fandom.

I don't like slashfic. At all. So I was looking for a fandom that had tolerable female characters and *all* of these were better than Hermione Granger even if I wasn't completely thrilled by their behavior. But what do I find? The female characters are paired up with each other on the rare instance where they exist and the rest of the time the pairings are chosen to be the least logical and least canonically viable and the goal seems to be to have them have really ridiculously slashy sex. (Slashy sex is where an m/m scene is written by a female writer who has clearly never seen a naked man, never met anyone gay, and has very little personal experience.)

When I feel better I'm going to keep looking for another source, there's got to be somewhere that has het ships. Or gen fic. I'd *love* to read the introspection Scott's mom goes through when she goes from "give them what they want" to "fight the good fight".

(no subject)

Friday, 28 February 2014 10:09 pm
seryn: flowers (Default)
Yeah. Things aren't going well.

Pretty much I'm completely conscious of the fact that I'm much better off without my dead husband. He was pulling me under while he was dying and self-oblivious to that fact. Right now *all* of my external problems are under control or resolved. No one has been adding things I cannot handle even if the day-to-day stuff is irritating.

I made progress on my day-to-day stuff by getting a boost from a friend and this allowed me to overcome the inertia that made it seem insoluble.

But where I am now is that *this is all there is*.

I'm looking around me and seeing the lives that people I know have made for themselves; I don't want what they have. The major things that make other people content would actually make me unhappy. Some of the people I know are physically suffering and more determined than I am.

So, there's nothing I want that I can see anyone else having (I would like if someone truly loved me and was emotionally healthy enough not to let me sabotage myself and ruin the relationship--- but I don't see that ANYWHERE. It sure as hell didn't exist in my marriage.) but what there is, is not enough. This is all there is and it's not enough.

From here all that can happen is that I will continue my pallid existence until I am old.
seryn: flowers (Default)
I freaking love Stiles. The rest of it is kind of useless, but Stiles is awesome.

The scene with the guidance counselor and Stiles where they talk about drowning is amazing.

Stiles has just seen a drowned and resurrected guy, then become serial killer, drowned to death. He claims not to feel anything about that and even describes drowning as the moment of joy when desperation overrides instinct and you take that breath underwater. That you can't make yourself breathe no matter how much you want to until your head is about to explode.

Then Stiles is asked how he's doing and he says that he is jumpy all the time and always looking out for danger and can't sleep and can't sit still until it feels like he can't breathe.

The guidance counselor says, "It's like you're drowning." When Stiles agrees with this, she tells him to keep his mouth closed and wait to take that breath.

He asks if she missed the exploding head part.

She says if he holds on, there will be more time, more time to swim to the surface, more time to be rescued.

But remember that he's just watched someone killed this way and feels nothing. So the guidance counselor kind of mangled the part about Stiles deserving rescuing, being worth saving, because he's not a serial killer even if it feels like they're dying the same way.

That has been a hard lesson for me. I still have massive anxiety issues and it turns out I have to rescue myself. I was pushed under and held there for years, now there's no one holding me down, but I'm all tangled. I've tried to take that breath underwater and Stiles is right that the instinct is too strong to fight against. It's been unrelenting.
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