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Tact, damned tact, and ersatz politeness
Apr. 11th, 2012 06:22 pmI would like there to be a way to say things that might be hurtful where the painful part is not intended. Instead we have tact. Which is where people lie to your face to save your feelings. Or when people say they are "busy" and "didn't get to" your email, but only when you call them on it directly because otherwise it just disappears. And there's a rule of thumb that says if you've sent 3 emails and haven't heard back, then the person doesn't want to know you anymore/right-now. But the problem with that is that people genuinely are busy and it looks the same as the excuse.
It's how we get thanks inflation, where if you just say "thanks" it's a verbal tick. "Thank you" used to be more formal, so people could tell you meant it. But now the tactful people say "Thank you so much!" for everything, to the point that there isn't a way to actually thank people verbally that doesn't sound just like the lie.
I said yesterday, when someone commented on my haircut and when I said I'd done it myself the other woman said I was brave... I said, "Not really, I'm an unattractive woman, I don't have much to lose." She actually stumbled over the pro forma declaim. For a long time I was like everyone else, where I figured since I wasn't a Picasso model, I probably looked okay and familiarity means I tend to prefer how I look to how faces which are widely divergent from mine look... so according to my standards I look fine, but objectively it's not true. Even with good hair and makeup, I'm not up to people's usual standards.
I don't want someone to come up to me on the sidewalk and say, "Boy, you sure are ugly." (Especially not with "boy", heh.) Tact might mean keeping your mouth shut when it's a stranger who is just walking past--- and tact does NOT mean not telling someone about their backpack being unzipped... if they can fix it, keeping silent isn't helpful. but if they can't change it, and it doesn't matter, shut up.--- but I don't think it's tactful when someone asks you for comments and you actually lie to save their feelings.
Since my knitting group has folded, I've contacted several of the people externally, but they barely respond. I've caught on fairly quickly that this means they do not want to be friends. But I caught on through their silence. No one comes out and says, "I don't like you, don't bother me." And perhaps that's extreme, that it's more disinterest compared to changing cat litter boxes. But there is no way to tell someone you're not interested without it carrying more hurt than was intended.
But I am aware that most people would prefer that I stop talking to them.
It's how we get thanks inflation, where if you just say "thanks" it's a verbal tick. "Thank you" used to be more formal, so people could tell you meant it. But now the tactful people say "Thank you so much!" for everything, to the point that there isn't a way to actually thank people verbally that doesn't sound just like the lie.
I said yesterday, when someone commented on my haircut and when I said I'd done it myself the other woman said I was brave... I said, "Not really, I'm an unattractive woman, I don't have much to lose." She actually stumbled over the pro forma declaim. For a long time I was like everyone else, where I figured since I wasn't a Picasso model, I probably looked okay and familiarity means I tend to prefer how I look to how faces which are widely divergent from mine look... so according to my standards I look fine, but objectively it's not true. Even with good hair and makeup, I'm not up to people's usual standards.
I don't want someone to come up to me on the sidewalk and say, "Boy, you sure are ugly." (Especially not with "boy", heh.) Tact might mean keeping your mouth shut when it's a stranger who is just walking past--- and tact does NOT mean not telling someone about their backpack being unzipped... if they can fix it, keeping silent isn't helpful. but if they can't change it, and it doesn't matter, shut up.--- but I don't think it's tactful when someone asks you for comments and you actually lie to save their feelings.
Since my knitting group has folded, I've contacted several of the people externally, but they barely respond. I've caught on fairly quickly that this means they do not want to be friends. But I caught on through their silence. No one comes out and says, "I don't like you, don't bother me." And perhaps that's extreme, that it's more disinterest compared to changing cat litter boxes. But there is no way to tell someone you're not interested without it carrying more hurt than was intended.
But I am aware that most people would prefer that I stop talking to them.
