how I buy shoes
Jan. 26th, 2011 04:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serynThe weirdest thing about knowing I have trouble buying things is how I can game the "system". I frequently buy myself new shoes when I have a doctor's appointment. I figure I'm already upset, I might as well do a second thing.
I bought Ahnu mary-janes (Benicia II) in "mood indigo" which is a navy blue color. I bought mine at a little indy store, but there is a nice picture from Zappos.
I've been home for 2 hours and feel almost flattened now that the adrenaline has dissipated.
If I didn't have to drive myself, I'd drink several shots of vodka before going. Rationally I know the doctor intends to help. It didn't really hurt either. But that doesn't change the visceral wrongness.
You can tell an arachnophobe that tarantulas are great pets all you want, but it's still not going to change their mind. No matter how loving your malamute is, you don't starve it for 3 days and then let it lick your naked belly. These things feel wrong and your hindbrain will scream at you and your flesh flinches and your skin crawls and your hair stands on end and your fingers and toes go ice cold.
If it goes on for too long where you're trapped between what you must tolerate and what you can stand, it breaks off pieces of your sanity. I just wish I was the kind of person where sanity could be shored up by really cute shoes.
I bought Ahnu mary-janes (Benicia II) in "mood indigo" which is a navy blue color. I bought mine at a little indy store, but there is a nice picture from Zappos.
I've been home for 2 hours and feel almost flattened now that the adrenaline has dissipated.
If I didn't have to drive myself, I'd drink several shots of vodka before going. Rationally I know the doctor intends to help. It didn't really hurt either. But that doesn't change the visceral wrongness.
You can tell an arachnophobe that tarantulas are great pets all you want, but it's still not going to change their mind. No matter how loving your malamute is, you don't starve it for 3 days and then let it lick your naked belly. These things feel wrong and your hindbrain will scream at you and your flesh flinches and your skin crawls and your hair stands on end and your fingers and toes go ice cold.
If it goes on for too long where you're trapped between what you must tolerate and what you can stand, it breaks off pieces of your sanity. I just wish I was the kind of person where sanity could be shored up by really cute shoes.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-27 03:03 pm (UTC)I hear you.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-27 04:45 pm (UTC)I flinched a bit, but didn't have to hold my hand up for a break. During the blood drawing, I pointed out the good vein... which got me praised for my memory. (As if everyone doesn't remember the one vein that doesn't bruise?) I still can't watch it all seeping into the tube, but lo! the progress.
And I think it's absolutely fine for me to spend the rest of the day reading and playing computer games after something I consider actually traumatic. I planned ahead. There was still lentil stew left from the night before and there are still clean towels in the closet so my putting that off is fine.
One of my successes yesterday was in having ice cold fingers. The doctor usually shakes my hand, chats with me for a minute in his office, then starts the touchy part. He asks me what I'm looking forward to this year, and I said, "Oh sure, just try to upset me right before blood pressure." He was surprised and I said, "See, my hands just went cold." I touched his hand with one finger and he visibly blinked.
"That's all it takes? Someone saying something?" Then we had understanding. I'm not suffering from a psychosomatic malaise. Whether it's in my head or not, it's physiological. And he'd just thought I had high blood pressure. I get numbers fully 20 points under his numbers without my arm being held by someone between me and the door.
They are really cute shoes.... but it doesn't make me feel better to have bought them. On the other hand, I have cute shoes and there was no room to feel worse for spending money frivolously.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-27 05:05 pm (UTC)And I think it's absolutely fine for me to spend the rest of the day reading and playing computer games after something I consider actually traumatic.
And I think that choice is fine any day, trauma or not.
As for "frivolous" and "cute shoes" - those two NEVER go together even for people who dislike spending money. Just sayin'. ;-)