a day in the life of someone else
Feb. 3rd, 2014 10:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serynSo I'm working on something hard for me. I'm trying to stop hating myself.
There isn't a rational reason for it. I'm kind of useless, but so are a lot of people. I'm not always nice, but I'm not deliberately horrible. I didn't end up where I wanted to be in life, but this isn't awful. I'm even willing to accept that, for the most part, I did okay with my decisions given the information and the preferences and experiences I had at the times I made those choices.
At 42, there are a lot of things that are easier for me now than they were 20 years ago. And some of them aren't my fault that they got easier... I get treated better in stores for example. But a lot of them are practice. It doesn't freak me out to call someone when I need something--- like calling my mechanic or making a doctor appointment.
So I'm willing to accept myself as I am and how I got here.... but only if I'm not me. Me I expect more of. I expect to be someone I admire and appreciate or care for. I want to be loved by *me*.
There are some people I just don't click with. I don't want to be friends with them, I don't want to hang with them if there is a group of us, they're just not my kind of people. I'm desperately afraid that *I* am one of those people.
What's interesting is that I am fundamentally aware of who I am. I know myself. And I can't stand me. I'm that person that I'm not all that sad when something awful happens to her because really I fucking hate her and if someone has to lose it might as well be someone I don't like. And I resent me for having all this shit happen and making me deal with it. The whole point of having bad things happen to people I don't like is so I don't have to listen to the whining, don't have to deal with the fallout, and can just walk away. The walking away isn't working.
No idea what to do because this seems insurmountable. I got to know that woman I disliked, there's nothing wrong with her though she has her issues. I just don't *like* her.
There isn't a rational reason for it. I'm kind of useless, but so are a lot of people. I'm not always nice, but I'm not deliberately horrible. I didn't end up where I wanted to be in life, but this isn't awful. I'm even willing to accept that, for the most part, I did okay with my decisions given the information and the preferences and experiences I had at the times I made those choices.
At 42, there are a lot of things that are easier for me now than they were 20 years ago. And some of them aren't my fault that they got easier... I get treated better in stores for example. But a lot of them are practice. It doesn't freak me out to call someone when I need something--- like calling my mechanic or making a doctor appointment.
So I'm willing to accept myself as I am and how I got here.... but only if I'm not me. Me I expect more of. I expect to be someone I admire and appreciate or care for. I want to be loved by *me*.
There are some people I just don't click with. I don't want to be friends with them, I don't want to hang with them if there is a group of us, they're just not my kind of people. I'm desperately afraid that *I* am one of those people.
What's interesting is that I am fundamentally aware of who I am. I know myself. And I can't stand me. I'm that person that I'm not all that sad when something awful happens to her because really I fucking hate her and if someone has to lose it might as well be someone I don't like. And I resent me for having all this shit happen and making me deal with it. The whole point of having bad things happen to people I don't like is so I don't have to listen to the whining, don't have to deal with the fallout, and can just walk away. The walking away isn't working.
No idea what to do because this seems insurmountable. I got to know that woman I disliked, there's nothing wrong with her though she has her issues. I just don't *like* her.
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Date: 2014-02-14 04:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-02-14 05:59 pm (UTC)