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serynI feel like there is something I desperately need to be doing.
I should go get new glasses. I should be trying to catch up on all the TV it recorded while we were gone.
I should definitely not admit the number of tabs with unread fanfic I have open right now.
I need to be shopping for a new cell phone; I need to be shopping for new TV/phone/internet service. I am extremely unhappy with Comcast, mostly because I have refused to upgrade for ages. I don't want a cable modem from them because of the verified rumors that they censor content. I have stand-alone DSL and have been extraordinarily pleased with them, but paying the phone company to have a landline just so I can have DSL is beyond annoying.
I desperately need to change my home phone number, despite the ridiculous amount of work that will entail with notifying places like banks and credit card companies. I should have done it years ago, but we thought we were going to be moving, so I didn't work on it. If I am being honest, I would prefer not to have a landline at all, just because of the "you must pay us to not be in the phone book we put online for easy searching" rule. Sometimes people call us on it, but mostly it's phone spam. The reason I am agitating toward doing the work is I got a call from someone I hoped had died who spent the whole call trying to prove that I am a much bigger loser.
I am, most definitely, not a very successful person. I don't have a job, I don't use my degree, I have no close friends (proven again today, no thanks very much.) At some point I woke up almost 40, childless, unemployed, and vaguely satisfied with my life as it is. I think my goals were a lot less high-falutin' than many people. I wanted a life where I can go to the grocery store and buy any food I want without worrying about my bank account. I never wanted to go hungry because my car needed repairs. I wanted the time and money and freedom to go anywhere I wanted to go. It's not that hard to fulfill goals like that. But I never expected that being personally satisfied would make it impossible to get new friends. What's the first question people ask at any social gathering? "So, what do you do?" Unless it's a gathering of all women, then it's, "So, how many children do you have?" I don't have an answer to the first one and think the second is so offensive that I don't really bother talking to the asker again.
It's not that I mind not having a job. I have responsibilities, and when I was working, those things did not get done. I like having clean sheets and towels that are still bendy. I like that there's a pot of spaghetti sauce in the 'fridge and when we got back from our trip, there was casserole in the freezer waiting to be thawed. It's tremendously easier to change your phone service if you're home during the day. I can get packages delivered. It's not ridiculous to need someone at home. Assuredly, I could be the person at home for several 2-person families and still not stress myself overly, but the idea is still sound.
I just don't know what to say when someone asks me what I do. Because the whole of my life is what other people try to cram into their evenings after work. I dread the question because there's no real answer. If I lie, I feel terrible and I never want to talk to the person again. If I say, "I'm not working." there's some conversation until I admit that I don't mind not having a job, then the inevitable judgmental statement, "Must be nice." There is no answer. There isn't even a polite fob from Miss Manners to derail the nosy parker. There isn't a word or phrase that isn't derogatory. "Lady of Leisure" sounds like a euphemism for "whore". But when I say, "Nothing." it sounds like I'm 6 years old and have been misbehaving enough to lie about it.
I have no idea what to say and have finally started just jumping into an actual conversation, cutting off the small-talk introductory bits before they occur. Maybe if I'm interesting and people hear that, they won't need to pre-judge me.
My family, I am estranged from them, tends to be extremely judgmental. They do not like my SO, told me it would never last, told me Jesus would know me for a sinner, told me I should have to pay back all the money I spent going to college because I'm not using my degree to earn money-- which doesn't make sense since they tried hard not to give me any money for school, and have said that all that would be fine with them if I just have a few children to justify my choices.
Obviously the raw feelings I have toward my family (the phone call that makes me want to get a new number was from one of them) make me overly sensitive. Whenever I go somewhere I might meet people, it feels like it starts out with a vicious attack. "We know you're completely useless and want you to admit it so we don't have to bother talking to you anymore."
And all that makes me wonder why I am so concerned about having good broadband and phone services.
I should go get new glasses. I should be trying to catch up on all the TV it recorded while we were gone.
I should definitely not admit the number of tabs with unread fanfic I have open right now.
I need to be shopping for a new cell phone; I need to be shopping for new TV/phone/internet service. I am extremely unhappy with Comcast, mostly because I have refused to upgrade for ages. I don't want a cable modem from them because of the verified rumors that they censor content. I have stand-alone DSL and have been extraordinarily pleased with them, but paying the phone company to have a landline just so I can have DSL is beyond annoying.
I desperately need to change my home phone number, despite the ridiculous amount of work that will entail with notifying places like banks and credit card companies. I should have done it years ago, but we thought we were going to be moving, so I didn't work on it. If I am being honest, I would prefer not to have a landline at all, just because of the "you must pay us to not be in the phone book we put online for easy searching" rule. Sometimes people call us on it, but mostly it's phone spam. The reason I am agitating toward doing the work is I got a call from someone I hoped had died who spent the whole call trying to prove that I am a much bigger loser.
I am, most definitely, not a very successful person. I don't have a job, I don't use my degree, I have no close friends (proven again today, no thanks very much.) At some point I woke up almost 40, childless, unemployed, and vaguely satisfied with my life as it is. I think my goals were a lot less high-falutin' than many people. I wanted a life where I can go to the grocery store and buy any food I want without worrying about my bank account. I never wanted to go hungry because my car needed repairs. I wanted the time and money and freedom to go anywhere I wanted to go. It's not that hard to fulfill goals like that. But I never expected that being personally satisfied would make it impossible to get new friends. What's the first question people ask at any social gathering? "So, what do you do?" Unless it's a gathering of all women, then it's, "So, how many children do you have?" I don't have an answer to the first one and think the second is so offensive that I don't really bother talking to the asker again.
It's not that I mind not having a job. I have responsibilities, and when I was working, those things did not get done. I like having clean sheets and towels that are still bendy. I like that there's a pot of spaghetti sauce in the 'fridge and when we got back from our trip, there was casserole in the freezer waiting to be thawed. It's tremendously easier to change your phone service if you're home during the day. I can get packages delivered. It's not ridiculous to need someone at home. Assuredly, I could be the person at home for several 2-person families and still not stress myself overly, but the idea is still sound.
I just don't know what to say when someone asks me what I do. Because the whole of my life is what other people try to cram into their evenings after work. I dread the question because there's no real answer. If I lie, I feel terrible and I never want to talk to the person again. If I say, "I'm not working." there's some conversation until I admit that I don't mind not having a job, then the inevitable judgmental statement, "Must be nice." There is no answer. There isn't even a polite fob from Miss Manners to derail the nosy parker. There isn't a word or phrase that isn't derogatory. "Lady of Leisure" sounds like a euphemism for "whore". But when I say, "Nothing." it sounds like I'm 6 years old and have been misbehaving enough to lie about it.
I have no idea what to say and have finally started just jumping into an actual conversation, cutting off the small-talk introductory bits before they occur. Maybe if I'm interesting and people hear that, they won't need to pre-judge me.
My family, I am estranged from them, tends to be extremely judgmental. They do not like my SO, told me it would never last, told me Jesus would know me for a sinner, told me I should have to pay back all the money I spent going to college because I'm not using my degree to earn money-- which doesn't make sense since they tried hard not to give me any money for school, and have said that all that would be fine with them if I just have a few children to justify my choices.
Obviously the raw feelings I have toward my family (the phone call that makes me want to get a new number was from one of them) make me overly sensitive. Whenever I go somewhere I might meet people, it feels like it starts out with a vicious attack. "We know you're completely useless and want you to admit it so we don't have to bother talking to you anymore."
And all that makes me wonder why I am so concerned about having good broadband and phone services.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-14 10:23 pm (UTC)It is interesting that people (including me, often) want so badly to "place" people when they meet them. For me it's not a judgmental thing, only a way to figure out which question(s) it might be okay to ask next, in order to create a conversation; but I do see how it'd feel awkward.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 12:41 am (UTC)I've tried, "I have my hobbies. I keep busy." But even that's not enough to derail the pre-fabricated conversation.
I've even tried, "I don't work, tell me what you do." When that doesn't work, it's all over.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 05:15 am (UTC)For all the jackasses out there, I apologize. Oh and I like, the "I don't work, what do you do?" If someone is a jerk after that, phooey on them.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 04:26 pm (UTC)----
Yesterday, I was told flat out that this interrogatory behavior is "polite" because it is the best way to find common ground. In fact, skipping it is considered rude.
I know so many people right now who are unemployed (and miserable about it to the point that if you ever mention jobs, their whole conversation is pumping you for leads) or under-employed (working in retail when they used to have white collar desk jobs), that I consider work/profession/career/employment verboten.
Also I consider it a forbidden topic because the rare person who is happy with their job is thought to be bragging and "lording it over" everyone else. So there is no good answer. If you're miserable, no one wants to talk to you. If you're happy, you're a bitch because you didn't lie. I'm the worst of both worlds, unemployed and happy about it.
Usually the best response to nosy extroverts asking questions is to assume they'd prefer to talk about themselves. The hardest thing for introverts like me to deal with is the way people ask questions they don't care about the answers to. My personal viewpoint is that I would never ever ask something unless I really wanted to know since it's so intrusive. I rather expect people to volunteer the topics they find comfortable. Really out-going people are the opposite, they needle others with questions they really want to answer themselves and hope they'll be reflected instead.
So, an extroverted person will come right up and ask me about my vacation plans, which makes me uncomfortable because it's basically asking about my personal life and finances. Really they want to be able to ramble on about their really expensive trip to Hawaii or South America or whatever. It wasn't them looking for a chance to put me down because I don't travel much, it was a request to let them brag.
It took decades before I understood. Extroverts are really doing the same things introverts do with the proffering of topics, but they add an extra step where they nominally ask you the question they want you to ask them back but they'd really rather not waste the time talking about you.
That's what makes the "What do you do?" question so hard. You have to answer it. The answer colors all further interaction forever. But frequently the other person would prefer to talk about themselves and just doesn't want your irrelevancy to the conversation to be that obvious.